The pastor of our church here in Myrtle Beach said the following quote a couple weeks ago, “You are either broken by an orphan spirit, or you are broken by (God’s) love.” I have to say that this quote completely rocked my world. I sat in my chair and just started crying because I believe those words were spoken into my spirit by the very mouth of God. Words that I was in desperate need of hearing. I left church that morning with much to think about, to pray over, and work through.
I have been living like an orphan. Living as though I were alone, unloved, uncared for, abandoned. And although my head knew this was false, my spirit had been broken by this orphan mentality. I know where this orphan-hood began…my first miscarriage, then my second, third, fourth, and now my apparent infertility. Prior to that I was pretty secure in knowing that my Father in Heaven deeply and wholly loved me, cared for me, accepted me. I had a secure home in Him and in His love for me. However, from the first miscarriage onward, I struggled with being confident of my place in God’s family, confident in His love of me. I guess you could sum it up in the common issue of, “If God loved me so much, why did ____________ happen?”, or “If God loves everyone, why do bad things happen to good people and good things seem to happen to bad people”. I felt like God didn’t care that I was hurting and that He didn’t care about my desire for a child. He allowed us to love these children He gave us only to take them away. So, after each painful experience I would fall back into that orphan spirit. There would come a point where I’d snap out of it because the truth is that I know I am not abandoned, I know that I am loved and care for, and I know that I can trust the Lord. That when He allows us to journey on a painful path, that He doesn’t leave us to our own devices…He provides for our every need throughout it BECAUSE He loves us.
Over the last couple years, I have had to continually choose to walk out the journey the Lord has for me…and while I may not understand the why’s, I remember that I am loved by a Father who would stop at nothing to prove just how much. To live broken by love doesn’t seem to come naturally to me any more. Living by love requires constant choices on my part to live that way, to trust that way, to understand that I am not and will never be abandoned. But my humanness reverts easily to living like an orphan especially when the circumstances around me hurt.
An orphan spirit is always at war with the spirit of Sonship/love. Being broken by love, while it hurts, still provides a sense of security, comfort, value, acceptance and peace. Being broken by an orphaned spirit provides me with a sense of pain, lonliness, lack of understanding and compassion. So, I am daily having to choose to live like who I am….a daughter of a Father that loves me absolutely, unconditionally and completely, a Father that has never and will never abandon me. I have this quote written in several places in my house to remind me of my choices. I am either broken by an orphan spirit or I am broken by God’s love. I’m choosing to be broken by love. Are you?
Thank you Sarah for the above.
At present, Father God is opening my heart to His love for me, and it is causing me to let go of the failings of my family in childhood. I never knew that He loved me in this way until now, and His love is transforming me. My own past was full of the question of whether i was really loved, but now i am finding His true love deep down.
I have struggled with a lack of confidence most of my life even though i can perform so well playing Jazz in public. But deep inside, a father’s love wasn’t secure in me. Knowing that my heavenly Father is FOR me now, has released a new wind of confidence whereby i now feel that i can do ANYTHING, i feel BELIEVED IN! It’s like being five years old again, the age before all the doubts started setting in.
I have been on a serious journey to find God personally as my Father, for about seven years now, starting with the teaching of Jack Frost on GODTV. I’ve been to conferences and a retreat on the Father’s love, and listened to and watched hundreds of hours of Father Heart teaching. It’s all helped move me closer to Love. But learning to love my daughter changed my heart the most. My heart had to grow like in ‘The Grinch’, from a walnut size to much bigger, to be able to contain the love the Lord was pouring in my heart.
But through a nasty flu/cold virus lasting about 6 weeks so far now, the Lord has been driving ’stuff’ up and out of me by the droves. Things like ’self-punishment’, anger etc. My heart has been revolutionised, for in this i have come to ‘like my self’ whereas before i was self deprecating (beating my self up).
Forgiving my self and learning to be kind to my self was a part of this.
In summary, i am content at last TO BE ME, for the first time in over 40 years, for i used to strive so much, particularly through my music to be liked, accepted, wanted and loved, i was never relaxed around others being my self.
I have a beautiful wife who is a gift to me, she has helped me so much, so much. I hope i am a blessing to her. God has got a good future for me, i feel His heart and His commitment towards me now. In Malachi 4:6, God said He would reconcile the hearts of the sons (and daughters) to the fathers (and mothers), this is happening between my heart and my father’s in California. (I live in Wales in the UK).
This scripture is a promise for all that their hearts will be reconciled to Him, it will happen. Bless you.
Fraser.