The pastor of our church here in Myrtle Beach said the following quote a couple weeks ago, “You are either broken by an orphan spirit, or you are broken by (God’s) love.”  I have to say that this quote completely rocked my world.  I sat in my chair and just started crying because I believe those words were spoken into my spirit by the very mouth of God.  Words that I was in desperate need of hearing.  I left church that morning with much to think about, to pray over, and work through.

I have been living like an orphan.  Living as though I were alone, unloved, uncared for, abandoned.  And although my head knew this was false, my spirit had been broken by this orphan mentality.  I know where this orphan-hood began…my first miscarriage, then my second, third, fourth, and now my apparent infertility.  Prior to that I was pretty secure in knowing that my Father in Heaven deeply and wholly loved me, cared for me, accepted me.  I had a secure home in Him and in His love for me.  However, from the first miscarriage onward, I struggled with being confident of my place in God’s family, confident in His love of me.  I guess you could sum it up in the common issue of, “If God loved me so much, why did ____________ happen?”, or “If God loves everyone, why do bad things happen to good people and good things seem to happen to bad people”. I felt like God didn’t care that I was hurting and that He didn’t care about my desire for a child.  He allowed us to love these children He gave us only to take them away.  So, after each painful experience I would fall back into that orphan spirit.  There would come a point where I’d snap out of it because the truth is that I know I am not abandoned, I know that I am loved and care for, and I know that I can trust the Lord.  That when He allows us to journey on a painful path, that He doesn’t leave us to our own devices…He provides for our every need throughout it BECAUSE He loves us.

Over the last couple years, I have had to continually choose to walk out the journey the Lord has for me…and while I may not understand the why’s, I remember that I am loved by a Father who would stop at nothing to prove just how much.  To live broken by love doesn’t seem to come naturally to me any more.  Living by love requires constant choices on my part to live that way, to trust that way, to understand that I am not and will never be abandoned.  But my humanness reverts easily to living like an orphan especially when the circumstances around me hurt.

An orphan spirit is always at war with the spirit of Sonship/love.   Being broken by love, while it hurts, still provides a sense of security, comfort, value, acceptance and peace.  Being broken by an orphaned spirit provides me with a sense of pain, lonliness, lack of understanding and compassion.  So, I am daily having to choose to live like who I am….a daughter of a Father that loves me absolutely, unconditionally and completely, a Father that has never and will never abandon me.  I have this quote written in several places in my house to remind me of my choices.  I am either broken by an orphan spirit or I am broken by God’s love.  I’m choosing to be broken by love.  Are you?