Freedom!!!
If you missed services at CRCC on Sunday morning, you definitely missed out on a MAJOR blessing! Ben Daniel (our former youth pastor and now dentist) and Rich Butler (our Pastor of Connections) co-taught the message on Sidekicks: David and Jonathon from 1 Samuel 14. Now, I’ve been into this passage for a long time, especially after having read Chasing Daylight by Erwin McManus. If you want a great story of a simple, young guy, who decided that he had had enough of mediocrity, enough of being bullied, and just wanted something more….and then chose to do something about it, you’ll want to read this story.
But beyond hearing some new thoughts on the subject, Rich and Ben offered a time of prayer and intercession. They spent about 20 minutes not only praying over us as a whole, but as individuals. They gave those of us in the service the opportunity to pray for healing and freedom from all manner of things, but in particular, those things that cause us the most crippling fear in our lives, those things that hinder us from moving forward. Those mountains that cause us to hide behind rocks and in caves, paralyzing us from moving forward and finding freedom. If you’ve read previous blogs, you know that Hal and I have been through a lot this year. Through that time on Sunday morning, many things came into focus. I’ve been working on my own stuff lately, but I realized that my craggy, thorny, slippery mountain comes from the fear and anticipation of the next attack from the Enemy. We’ve been hit so hard and so often this year, that I had begun to be paralyzed by the fear of what was going to happen next. It was almost as though I were simply playing a crappy game of hide and seek, all the while knowing that the Enemy knew exactly where I was hiding and exactly how to scare me out of my wits when he “found” me. Through this realization, as Rich and Ben were praying over us and admonishing us to take back our lives, to charge through our mountains and to do battle!!! To be free from the oppression of the Enemy, to live a life of freedom that the Lord offers us!
I’ll have you all know that the Lord set me free from that fear yesterday morning. That all the guilt, shame, and yuck that was festering from my fear ended. The Lord came over my spirit like a warm blanket, filling in all the spaces left behind from fear and dread. I felt freedom unlike what I’ve felt in a long time. The Lord moved!!!! Not only in my life, but in the lives of so many. I know that the Lord set people free from physical burdens, emotional strongholds, pornography, pain, fear, anger, depression and so many other things! My heart bursts with joy!! My heart sings praises to an Almighty God who stands by me as I crawl my way to the top of a craggy, slippery slope. My heart leaps at the knowledge that my God hasn’t and will never fail me and when I ask, He will answer. And when I begin to cower in fear, He will not give me a spirit of timidity but one of power and strength! I WILL LIVE IN FREEDOM!!!!
If you are in a place to the bondage of sin or pain or oppression, I beg you to offer yourselves back to the Lord, in holy submission. Repent of the sin in your life, ask the Lord’s help and guidance to draw you back to a place of freedom. And live in the knowledge that when you make mistakes, it’s not the end of the world…it’s a new beginning, a new place to focus back on the One who made you and who loves you so much! Oh, I pray that you would experience the same freedom I have today! Our God is so GOOD!
Quite the Paradox, Part 1
Man, o man, what a day yesterday was! The morning started off really great, but as the day progressed, it went downhill quickly. Over the next few posts I’ll be sharing some of the struggles, as well as some of the realizations I’ve had in the last 24 hours.
I mentioned yesterday how much I loved my husband’s post on his blog about me. It really made me feel so loves and so special. But then, throughout the course of the day, something that had been plaguing me for awhile came into full view. Let me try to explain. My primary love language is quality time. It is by far the way that I feel the most loved. Quality time is tough in my family right now. My husband works two jobs (one during the day, and one most nights and weekends) and goes to Converse to take his master’s classes just about every day. As he said, it is a MAJOR sacrifice for me because quality time is my love language. On average we might see each other for about an hour each day, maybe eat a meal together once a week, etc. We instituted a date night at the beginning of this year for the sole reason of having “purposed” quality time together. I realized yesterday that over the last few months, that I have come to be resentful of the time Hal spends away, yet guilty at the same time because I know that all this work is necessary for our daily living expenses, as well as to benefit us in the future. So, I’ve been battling off and on between resentment and guilt. I was resentful that Hal has to work two jobs in the first place and that I have to work in order to make ends meet. I was resentful of the fact that if I tried to lift the two job burden off him, we would still be in the same boat, I would just be working nights and weekends…we’d be no better off. I felt guilty that I wanted to ask Hal for more time when he was so worn out already, I felt guilty for wanting more. I felt guilty for not spending more time encouraging Hal or investing in us than I did talking to friends on Facebook. And of course, the back door to guilt, turns in to shame. You go from guilt reminding me of everything I’ve thought, said or done wrong in my marriage to the shame that tells me that I’m just a sucky wife. Not good. Keep in mind, it’s not that Hal doesn’t want to spend time with me, it’s just that by the time he gets home to me he has nothing left to offer… he’s worn out. Not only that, Hal was feeling guilty himself. He knew that he was offering leftovers. Not intentionally, but just out of sheer exhaustion. We were isolating ourselves from each other, without even realizing it. Another point I should make, I do understand where Hal is, and when we’re together I don’t pretend to be perfect nor do I condemn him because of how I feel about our situation. The reality is that this is the place and the situation God has us in, we’re attempting to be good stewards of our time together, of our finances and resources…so right now I’m working, Hal’s working two jobs and going to school for our betterment. It doesn’t make it easy, as I’ve described above, and I do struggle with resentment and guilt, but I also know that this is a sacrifice we have to make. Back to the point, Satan was surely doing the best he could to overwhelm us in the battle of life. He wasn’t attacking us, just overwhelming us. Let’s just say that it caused a minor explosion last night when all these realities hit home. The one bid solace I had was that Hal and I both had been feeling the same way, and it hit both of us last night. A God thing, perhaps?
As Hal and I talked last night we realized that on our down time, we were almost always doing something fruitless: mindlessly watching TV, maybe reading a book or magazine, surfing MySpace or Facebook, just sitting, and so on. Instead of maybe taking that time to write each other an encouraging note, or putting our folded laundry away, or maybe straightening up the house, or spending time focusing on each other, being purposed in what we’re doing…we were essentially being lazy. We realized what a detriment this has been to our marriage. We’ve not been “growing together”. We’ve not felt connected.
To sum up the story itself, we talked for a little over 2 hours about how we were feeling, what we felt was attributing to some of these issues, and what we were going to do about it. Our marriage is too precious to waste. My husband is too important to me for me to only offer him parts of me. I’m too important to my husband to accept only the leftovers. Our marriage is worth more than our excuses for not investing more in each other. So, we made a commitment together. No matter what was going on, no matter how tired we were, we were going to spend what time we had together as purposed, intentional quality time. Not only so that I can feel loved, but so that we, as a unit, would come together and be connected. We won’t accept mediocrity in our marriage. (Please don’t hear me say that we have a bad marriage, like all couples, we just have to work at it). But even after all this discussion, we were left with the remains of our feelings to deal with… so, in my next posts I’ll be sharing some of the insights into guilt, shame, and resentment. I hope it will serve to help some of you in your own minds, hearts, and homes. God bless…
Humbled and Accepting
I think every person needs a little humbling ever once in awhile. No, I don’t mean in the negative sense, but I mean in the affirming sense. My husband took the time yesterday to blog about his thoughts on me. I was seriously humbled. It’s really easy to get tied down to our weaknesses, so much so, that we forget our strengths. We forget who we really are as we become disillusioned by the yuck that occurs in our lives. His blog was a HUGE reminder to me to focus on the strengths that the Lord has given me, to focus on those things that make me uniquely me. But I think more importantly, it was a reminder to guard my ears from the lies of Satan. To stop believing the junk he would use to cripple me. To stop believing that I am not good enough or that I will not amount to anything in the eternal sense. So, I am humbled and affirmed and stronger than ever as I am refocusing my thinking thanks to my sweet, sweet husband.
Along with this, I think it’s a natural thing for “Christians” to desire to avoid seeming self-centered, so we don’t accept the compliments people give us. I think it’s so important to accept those things in humility and appreciation, to use them as a reminder that we aren’t completely screwed up, that we do have things in our lives that are positive, that people recognize the good qualities in us. It’s not self-centered to accept that people see as good or kind or joyful or merciful or whatever. This is simply the Lord using a vessel to remind us of who he says we are and who he is making us to be. Rather than deny who the Lord is making us in order to appear humble, let us simply believe that for that moment, that was the encouragement we needed to keep pushing through. Jesus Christ was the epitome of encouragement. In countless stories, Jesus showed that compassion and encouragement reaped far greater rewards than temporal shameless bragging.
Thank you, Hal, for “choosing” to encourage me in such a great way! I am humbled and affirmed and appreciative and encouraged this morning.
May I suggest that you ask the Lord to show you someone in your life that needs some love and encouragement, and follow through with that. Maybe write them a note, maybe blog, maybe call, or visit, or smile. The impact you’ll make is long term and lasting. Just a thought…how different would our world be if we all made the effort to affirm someone each day, and in turn are also affirmed? I imagine that many things would be different.
The Gag Reflex
So, today I had to go to Dr. Ben Daniel’s office (dentist). It appears that I have been grinding my teeth at night, which explains the raging headaches I get 3-4 mornings a week. I didn’t realize I was doing this until Hal started waking me up and telling me. Long story short, I went to his office and had to have those AWFUL mold done….you know what I’m talking about. That pink gunk that makes you want to gag. I always anticipate those with absolute dread because I have a seriously sensitive gag reflex. So, I’m laying back in the dental chair, I’m watching Amy (the dental asst.) approach me with the trays laden with gunk….and I gag. Haha! I find it funny now, it wasn’t then. As the trays are placed in my mouth, I feel suffocated, I can’t swallow, I’m gagging, and am absolutely positive that I’m going to flip out at any time. That next moment, the trays is popped out….blessed relief!!!
I say all this to say that I had a bit of a spiritual epiphany in this moment. I equate my life without Christ’s guidance and direction and love and mercy, as those awful mold trays filled with gunk…I feel suffocated and ready to gag, as if any moment I’m going to be done in. But when I turn my eyes and my life back towards my loving Savior, he “removes the trays” and I can breathe normally again. So, then, my goal should be to never let my eyes drift away because I sure as heck don’t need to be gagging again. I long for that freedom to breathe and to rest in the assuredness that my God has everything under control. On the same side, I don’t ever want my life to be one that gags someone else. I want my life to be such a representation of who God really is that people find freedom and joy and love, that they wouldn’t feel like they are gagging on something they cannot identify. I know all this may seem silly to you, but my experience at the dentist’s office today really made me think about my life and the truth that I want others to see…that I am God’s, solely and completely, and totally GAG-FREE!
Debt Free???? Financial Peace University
If any of you are like me and my husband, you are working on paying down student loans, credit card debt, maybe praying hefty bills??? Hal and I often feel as though we are scraping by…we are literally, we’re doing good to have $15 left over in our bank account between paychecks. The idea of being debt free seems a million miles away! Well, I have GREAT NEWS! Dave Ramsey, one of our church members, has a program called FINANCIAL PEACE UNIVERSITY that is a great step toward changing your financial future. It is your Total Money Makeover Program. FPU is a 13-week, life-changing program that empowers and teaches you how to make the right money decisions to achieve your financial goals and experience a total money makeover. It will help you to eliminate your debt faster and build wealth. No, this is not some get-rich-quick scheme, it’s a life-style change when it comes to managing your money. CrossRoads will be hosting Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University beginning Tuesday nights, from 6:30-8:30 p.m., on August 21st, for 13 weeks. The cost is $100 which includes all your materials and resources. This is a steal!!!! I highly recommend this class, Hal and I will be setting aside the money to participate because we feel this is SO IMPORTANT! Especially important as we are a young married couple who one day wants to own a home, have kids, etc. If you want a proven method for paying off debts, building wealth, and being financially healthy, you’ll want to participate in the Financial Peace University. If you want more info, check out daveramsey.com/fpu.
Here’s the skinny, if you want to sign up for the class at CrossRoads, let me know. You can leave a comment or email me at sarahhweber@gmail.com. I am the FPU Coordinator for CrossRoads, so I can give you any information you need, as well as get you signed up. Send me your name, email address, phone number, and if you need childcare. I’ll contact you with details.
Here’s a sneak preview about what we’ll be talking about: the importance of saving money, cash-flow planning, relating with money, negotiating deals/bargains, dumping debt, understanding investments, understanding insurance, retirement & college financial planning, buyer beware, real estate & mortgages, careers & extra jobs, collection practice & your credit, being a good manager/steward of your money. I know that I am excited about learning some valuable tools to help me on my journey toward financial peace in my family.
The Wedding
The wedding was wonderful! (See pictures on my Flickr site, on sidebar) Steven and Kimberly’s wedding was absolutely beautiful, I am so glad I got to be a part of it. I watched my brother all day and was absolutely thrilled at how excited and nervous and giddy he was on Saturday. Like a little kid getting the very thing he asked for at Christmas. The best thing about the entire day was knowing that Steven and Kimberly were making a lifelong commitment to love each other and the Lord. What a blessing! There were candles everywhere and beautiful daisies, Kimberly was gorgeous in her wedding dress and Steven was so handsome in his suit. For the first time in awhile, I realized that my family is all grown up. As I stood there on the steps and surveyed both my brothers and my dad standing so proud, and watching my mom seated on the first pew with this beautiful smile on her face, and sneaking glances at my wonderful husband as I reminisced about our own wedding a year before….I know and am convinced that I am blessed beyond all my expectations. My parents still look at each other with love in their eyes, what an amazing legacy of a great marriage. My dad will still dance with my mom even though his $9 rental shoes are killing him! My mom will still attempt to dance to the “new” music even though she has no rhythm. My twin brother has found a wonderful woman to share his life with. I will never forget the look on his face when he saw his bride, I will never forget those silent tears of joy that slipped down his cheeks, or the way he said, “I can’t believe she picked me.” Or my little brother who definitely knows how to get a party started, and yet, will still dance with his older sister just because she asked. I love my family. I love my husband! I love that as we watched my brother being united to Kimberly I looked over at Hal and knew he was thinking what I was thinking…about our own day, over a year ago. I love that he looked at me as though I were the most beautiful woman in the world. I love that every time I thought I was going to lose it and ball like a baby, I could look at Hal, he’d wink at me, and I knew I’d be able to get through the wedding without embarrassing myself or my brother. Yes, they were happy tears. I love that Hal and I could stand to the side, watch my brother and his new bride dancing together, laughing together, etc., and just be happy. I love that as I was dancing with my husband, all I could think about was how the Lord has blessed me so much, as well as how much he was blessing my family. As I watched Steven and Kimberly drive off last night, I was overwhelmed by a sudden sense of loss. Maybe it’s a twin thing, maybe it’s a sibling thing, but all I do know is that I love my brother very much. I’m so glad he has found a great woman to share his life with. I am so thankful for my life and my family’s life. Yes, my friends, I am so blessed.
A Little Weepy
I remember the day of my wedding. I remember looking over at my brothers, Steven and Chris, to see that they had those manly silent tears running down their cheeks. I remember being astounded! What in the world was wrong! Why were they crying! My strong brothers were crying. I didn’t understand that then, but I sure do now. Today is my twin brother, Steven’s rehearsal, and tomorrow he will be married. I have caught myself tearing up all morning….while I was eating cereal at breakfast, while I was drying my hair, while I was cleaning the house. Man, I am so stinkin teary. And not at all in a bad way, but just thinking about how much I love my family. Pray that I will get all these tears out now and that I’ll be calm tomorrow. Anyway, this will be my last post for a few days, I am going to immerse myself in this wedding! Here come the tears again.
The Big Day
The big day (my bro’s wedding) is almost here and I am a combination of nervous and excited. Nervous because I tend to be clumsy. I’m a bridesmaid that is required to walk a lot in like 3 inch heels….this could spell trouble. Nervous cause I’m afraid I’m going to cry through the whole thing. Nervous cause it’s change. But I am excited because my brother is about to embark on such a great moment in his life, and we get to share it with him.
It’s really made me think back to my engagment and my wedding day, so I’m gonna share our story. Hal and I met at North Greenville College (now University) in 2002…technically speaking. We met online in December of 2002. Hal was searching for people to talk to that went to NGC and stumbled across my IM. We started talking and to be honest, he freaked me out a little. He kept talking about how he hated NGC and how he was SO READY to move back to Charleston, etc. So, I wasn’t real enthused by this conversation. But somehow when we got back to school in January 2003, I decided to go on a “friend” date on January 10. We made the dating “commitment” in March of the same year…let’s just say that I was prolonging the inevitable. 
Fast forward a few years and Hal decides to move up to Greenville in order to be close to me. Wasn’t that sweet!? Mr. I Want To Move Back, stayed here….for me. Anyway, we had been dating for what seemed like forever and I was wondering if Hal was ever going to pop the question. And finally, he did. Although it didn’t quite turn out the way he expected. He had arranged for us to stay at his parent’s house in Summerville for a weekend. (5/12-14/05). Now, this was totally normal. We often took trips down there to go to our favorite places: Folly Beach, Ye Ol Fashioned, Gilligans (for the hush puppies), etc., so I didn’t expect anything at all. Things didn’t go as planned on Friday. At the time I was working for the Herald Journal as an outside sales rep (I hated it), some girl got impatient, tried to go around me, and subsequently got us into a wreck. Her car was totalled, mine was drivable. So, that day I was supposed to leave, I was not a happy camper. By the time I got off work, dealt with the insurance company, and headed to Charleston, I was feeling pretty blah. So, Hal, being the great guy he is, put his plans on the back burner to work on making me feel better. Saturday started off like any other day for us. We hung out, went to Gilligan’s for dinner, went to Ye Ol Fashioned for ice cream, then decided to drive to Folly Beach to take a late night stroll. Long story short, Hal proposed…I didn’t believe him. I distinctly remember slapping him on the arm and saying “that wasn’t funny”, and walking away from him. Hal simply came after me and said, “No, really…” and showed me the ring. As the diamonds sparkled in the moonlight, I FREAKED! But I have to admit, that even though Hal’s plans didn’t go quite the way he expected, it gave us a fun story to tell and a great memory that will last forever. Fast forward to a year later, May 13, 2006. I was so calm, I’ll never forget that…very unlike me. I was relaxed and just enjoyed the day. When I first saw Hal, he was so handsome that he took my breath away. I was so excited about being his wife that my excitement overshadowed any nervousness I should have felt. I remember walking down with my big, strong father, only to see tears glistening. I lost it! Ha-Ha! The rest of our wedding day was such a blur! I remember bits and pieces and that’s it. I’ve watched our video many times so that I can force myself to remember the special moments. Hal and I have now been together for 4.5 years, and I am such a lucky woman.
So, today, as I reflect on the coming weekend, am praying for great moments for my brother and Kimberly, praying that they would take the time to really breathe the whole day in, to bask in the love that will be all around them. To slow down and appreciate every part of it. I ask that you pray for my family and Kimberly’s family this weekend. Pray that the Lord would shower his goodness over us that day. Pray that the Lord would bless this union between my brother and his wife-to-be. Pray that the Lord would place these memories deep in our hearts so that we never forget that our God is the God of all love and joy as we recall this wedding. Blessings to all of you!
Good Sad
Ok, I know the other day I wrote about a sad thought, and today I am thinking about a sad thought…only, it’s a good one too. My twin brother, Steven, is getting married this weekend (7/21/07). His wife-to-be-Kimberly is a great woman and is made to suit him. So, I’m not sad because he’s getting married, but more sad because I’m realizing how fast things change. Or like the fact that my little brother, Chris, will be turning 21 this year! I HATE CHANGE! I hate change when it indirectly effects me. Isn’t that weird? I don’t mind it so much if I’m the one making the decision for change or if my husband is, but let someone else have the control to make changes and I’m a basketcase!
I started thinking about all the great memories I have of my siblings. My mom likes to tell the story of being a toddler and how Steven and I were inseparable. She liked to call us “pea pods”, you know, two peas in a pod, twins. Apparently as toddlers we followed one another all around the house. If I crawled down the hall, so did he. If he crawled into the bathroom, so did I. If it was nap time, we were together. I remember our kindergarten parties and getting dressed up for Noah’s Ark, or our “I Am A Promise” choral thing we put on at FBC, of bottle cap glasses that made Steven’s eyes humongous, and me with my knobby knees. I remember being the nerdy sort while Steven was so outgoing and popular and was into sports. I remember us hating each other so much during high school that I never though we’d be friends again. I remember the reconciliation during college. And all the while, there’s my little brother Chris, keeping smiles on our faces and laughs overflowing with his wittiness and sarcastic jokes. The memories are so special to me.
I’m thankful that the Lord grows us and changes us. And yes, even though I’m a little sad, I am so thankful for my family. I am thankful that my dad is still my rock! I am thankful that even though I am too big for it, I can still climb up in his lap to cuddle. I love that my dad still looks at me as though I am still his little princess. I am thankful that my mom didn’t back down or away from me, even though I gave her hell from time to time. I am thankful that my mom is now one of my closest friends. I am thankful that we like the same shoes and jewelry (so I can share of course!) and like the same clothes so I have a great shopping buddy. I am thankful for my little brother, Chris, for always making me laugh. For growing up to be someone that enjoys life and engages people. I am thankful that he is FINALLy growing up! (Ha-Ha). I am thankful for my twin brother, Steven. Who constantly pushed me to better myself, who pushed me to excel. I am thankful that we were willing to give each other second chances to form a bond that will last forever. I am thankful that he has become a remarkable man. I am so thankful for my husband. I’ve left other posts about him, but he is life to me (other than God, of course). I am so thankful for his love, encouragement, and support. I am thankful for all my other extended family: Chuck & Glenda, Dennis, Lori & Lauren, Chip, Paula & Maia, Rob & Tyler, etc, etc, etc. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful family. And even though looking back is a little sad, I am anticipating an amazing future!
Which Side?
Ever feel like we are constantly competing? Constantly trying to fit in with the right people or the right mold? Or do you ever wonder where you belong? I must admit, I was always that kid who kinda jumped from group to group. In elementary school I had a lot of little friends, but no one that I considered my best friend. I liked it that way. I played with who I wanted, when I wanted. I wasn’t pressured to be part of any one group, I was “in” with everyone. Middle school was when I really started to feel that pull to “fit in”. I was an awkward pre-teen. What am I talking about, I’m an awkward adult! Anyway, I found a small group of people that I could fit in with. These were the booky kids, the smart kids. But then, there were some of the artsy kids that I thought were cool and every once in awhile I snuck over to their side for awhile. Then there was high school, where lines are drawn and you are in whatever group people say you’re in. A tough spot if you ask me. I ended up in a group that I regret now. But there was such a pull to be a part of something, an innate need to be desired, to be wanted by someone. More than anything, I remember that negative pull. The constant wondering if I was about to get stabbed in the back by my “group”. I was always feeling under a microscope as if someone was just waiting for me to screw up and send me to the loser side. (Being a teenager wasn’t easy).
As an adult, I find myself thinking about this “pull” again. Only I feel different about it. Instead of worrying if I’m picking the right team or making the best choice to get me the furthest along…I am content. I stumbled across this passage, and it made all my rambling make sense, Isaiah 41:8-10 (The Message) “But you, Israel, are my servant. You’re Jacob, my first choice, descendants of my good friend Abraham. I pulled you in from all over the world, called you in from every dark corner of the earth, Telling you, ‘You’re my servant, serving on my side. I’ve picked you. I haven’t dropped you.’ Don’t panic. I’m with you. There’s no need to fear for I’m your God. I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you. I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.” WOOHOO! I was chosen. I didn’t have to beg and plead my way into the right crowd, I was chosen, handpicked…kinda like those elementary days I liked so much. But even more important to me was the idea of stability. I had stability in elementary school. I knew that at any given point, I could wander over, start a conversation with a random person, and have a great time. No pressure. Stability steadily declined as I got older and felt the pressure from all sides. No wonder as adults, we are constantly on a mission to “fit in” or to appear as though we have it all or to be seen with the right people in order to feel as though we are a part of something.
Isn’t it nice to know that we don’t have to back-bite or nag or beg or plead our way into being part of God’s favored ones? We already are. He chose us, he designed us, he made us, he sustains us, he provides for us, he assures us, he loves us…as we are. There is no battle to have to fit in, no jockeying for position, only to live the life we’ve been called to by our loving Savior. The only side we have to pick is His. I’m so thankful that I know what side I’m on and that even though I did nothing to deserve it, I’m an essential part of His plan. So might I pose the possibility that the only side you have to pick from is God or Satan, Life or Death?
